A cat's tale of revenge
She was a small tortoiseshell cat. The humans at the animal shelter had let two other humans, called Ed and Alana, take her back to their house in the suburbs. They had named her Matilda and later discovered the name to be from old German 'Mathilda', meaning 'Mighty battle maiden'.
But she called herself 'Penumbral Daggertooth the Quick, Slayer of many blowflys'. Cats like to call themselves long names.
All had been well living with the two humans. She had begun to train them and they had started to respond to her every meow. They lived in a large house which had many rooms for her to explore. Ed's brother had decided to come and live with them and if Ed and Alana responded well to her commands, Sam doted on her. Even after she ate his maidenhair fern. The world was all hers and everything was going well.
Then the stupid humans decided to get another cat. Another older cat. They named her Moonshe, as she had gray eyes like the moon and magnificent black and ginger fur. Moonshe called herself 'Obsidian Ravenfur the purrer, spewer of giant hairballs, killer of small defenseless creatures'. Matilda just called her bitch.
The humans had thought that another cat 'would be good for Matilda' and she would learn to 'socialize'. They were so very wrong. They had given Matilda a nemesis. She would never forgive the humans. Almost never anyway.
Then they all moved to another house. Ed and Alana explained that it was to 'get away from a psychotic landlord'. It was a smaller house, and the humans painted the lounge room red. This house had a nice garden which Matilda and Moonshe could play in. It had birds, frogs and mice to hunt. But Matilda focused her attention on hunting blowflies. Blowflies that buzzed. Slow blowflies. Blowflies that got trapped against windows. She enjoyed crunching them up in her sharp teeth. She was not called 'Daggertooth the Quick' for nothing.
After some time, the humans again decided to move from the small house with large garden. And the humans had decided to embrace 'inner city living' and moved to a large old four bedroom house, just off Greville street, in Prahran. Ed and Alana decided to move in with a friend of theirs Nicky.
Nicky was six foot tall, with long brunette hair, large lips and doe-like eyes. A beautiful but loud amazonian. She was loud and thundering. She laughed loud. She partied loud. She arrived home loudly, announcing her presence. She stomped loudly down the hallway sending Matilda running for cover. She played music loud. She played Dido and Ben Harper loudly - over and over - as they were her favorites.
Matilda was terrified of Nicky. She was only a small cat. She was only used to Ed and Alana and Sam, who was very quiet and patted her and forgave her for eating his vicious maidenhair fern. She went from having a nemesis to nemeses! One too many for a small cat to handle.
Then Ed's brother, Sam, decided to go and live with a friend of his. Matilda felt sad to see him go. Moonshe missed Sam picking her up and using her in charades as a rocket launcher immediately. Well almost immediately. This also left Matilda without an ally and one less room that she could go and hide in - away from the crashing Nicky. Other housemates moved in and moved out, but Ed, Alana and Nicky did not.
Matilda decided to take the situation into her own paws. She was always scared and this 'inner city' house had no luscious garden for her to play in, the windows were no good for catching blowflies against, and her humans were always stressed and tired. So one day she sneaked into Nicky's room. There were a lot of cushions and clothes every which way she looked. She spied a small box filled with papers. Matilda, like many cats, liked boxes. Deciding that desperate times called for desperate measures, she used Nicky's box filled with papers as a litter tray. Leaving a message to the scary amazonian 'don't mess with me'.
A day passed. Then a week. Then one day Nicky discovered Matilda's 'present' in her room. The mafia leave horse heads in peoples' beds. Cats leave turds on people's paperwork. Which is more scary?
'ARGHHHHHH!' Nicky screamed. 'Your cat shit in my room!'
Nicky then screamed at Matilda and chased her around the house. This scared Matilda even more and was not the reaction that she had expected. But nevertheless things had still moved along in her cunning plan.
Matilda's humans, Ed and Alana, apologized profusely for her, and begged Nicky to forgive her. She was after all 'just a cat'.
Weeks passed, months passed. The tension between the housemates became thicker and thicker, until it was a viscous ooze that they all dragged themselves through without knowing exactly what to do about it. Her humans were not happy, and neither was the dread Nicky. 'Something must be done,' she thought.
So she struck again. A stealth poo attack like no other. A great big cat turd in the dread Nicky's room.
This time Nicky got angry. Real angry. She chased Matilda around the house. And although Matilda was quick and evaded her giant hands and arms for a while, but eventually she was cornered by the giantess. She found herself wrapped up in a towel and being hauled back to Nicky's room. She was catnapped! Matilda cried for help. But her humans did not come to her rescue fast enough. And Nicky shoved her nose back into her own poo.
Matilda shrieked and struggled and scratched, until she was free from the brute. She had taught the Nicky a lesson, but it had been at a high cost and risk to her own safety. This made the tension in the household palpable.
Then one day, just as they had moved in, her humans took her and the vile black Moonshe to another house. They cited 'irreconcilable differences' with their housemates. A situation Matilda felt that she had contributed to and cunningly engineered.
Their new house had a large rambling garden that stretched on for many paws into the distance. In the backyard there were trees to scratch and climb and birds to hunt. And the front of the house had a great blowfly catching window. Crunch, crunch! Tasty. Best of all, this house had no towering amazonian woman to terrorize her.
(c) Edward Yates 2007
But she called herself 'Penumbral Daggertooth the Quick, Slayer of many blowflys'. Cats like to call themselves long names.
All had been well living with the two humans. She had begun to train them and they had started to respond to her every meow. They lived in a large house which had many rooms for her to explore. Ed's brother had decided to come and live with them and if Ed and Alana responded well to her commands, Sam doted on her. Even after she ate his maidenhair fern. The world was all hers and everything was going well.
Then the stupid humans decided to get another cat. Another older cat. They named her Moonshe, as she had gray eyes like the moon and magnificent black and ginger fur. Moonshe called herself 'Obsidian Ravenfur the purrer, spewer of giant hairballs, killer of small defenseless creatures'. Matilda just called her bitch.
The humans had thought that another cat 'would be good for Matilda' and she would learn to 'socialize'. They were so very wrong. They had given Matilda a nemesis. She would never forgive the humans. Almost never anyway.
Then they all moved to another house. Ed and Alana explained that it was to 'get away from a psychotic landlord'. It was a smaller house, and the humans painted the lounge room red. This house had a nice garden which Matilda and Moonshe could play in. It had birds, frogs and mice to hunt. But Matilda focused her attention on hunting blowflies. Blowflies that buzzed. Slow blowflies. Blowflies that got trapped against windows. She enjoyed crunching them up in her sharp teeth. She was not called 'Daggertooth the Quick' for nothing.
After some time, the humans again decided to move from the small house with large garden. And the humans had decided to embrace 'inner city living' and moved to a large old four bedroom house, just off Greville street, in Prahran. Ed and Alana decided to move in with a friend of theirs Nicky.
Nicky was six foot tall, with long brunette hair, large lips and doe-like eyes. A beautiful but loud amazonian. She was loud and thundering. She laughed loud. She partied loud. She arrived home loudly, announcing her presence. She stomped loudly down the hallway sending Matilda running for cover. She played music loud. She played Dido and Ben Harper loudly - over and over - as they were her favorites.
Matilda was terrified of Nicky. She was only a small cat. She was only used to Ed and Alana and Sam, who was very quiet and patted her and forgave her for eating his vicious maidenhair fern. She went from having a nemesis to nemeses! One too many for a small cat to handle.
Then Ed's brother, Sam, decided to go and live with a friend of his. Matilda felt sad to see him go. Moonshe missed Sam picking her up and using her in charades as a rocket launcher immediately. Well almost immediately. This also left Matilda without an ally and one less room that she could go and hide in - away from the crashing Nicky. Other housemates moved in and moved out, but Ed, Alana and Nicky did not.
Matilda decided to take the situation into her own paws. She was always scared and this 'inner city' house had no luscious garden for her to play in, the windows were no good for catching blowflies against, and her humans were always stressed and tired. So one day she sneaked into Nicky's room. There were a lot of cushions and clothes every which way she looked. She spied a small box filled with papers. Matilda, like many cats, liked boxes. Deciding that desperate times called for desperate measures, she used Nicky's box filled with papers as a litter tray. Leaving a message to the scary amazonian 'don't mess with me'.
A day passed. Then a week. Then one day Nicky discovered Matilda's 'present' in her room. The mafia leave horse heads in peoples' beds. Cats leave turds on people's paperwork. Which is more scary?
'ARGHHHHHH!' Nicky screamed. 'Your cat shit in my room!'
Nicky then screamed at Matilda and chased her around the house. This scared Matilda even more and was not the reaction that she had expected. But nevertheless things had still moved along in her cunning plan.
Matilda's humans, Ed and Alana, apologized profusely for her, and begged Nicky to forgive her. She was after all 'just a cat'.
Weeks passed, months passed. The tension between the housemates became thicker and thicker, until it was a viscous ooze that they all dragged themselves through without knowing exactly what to do about it. Her humans were not happy, and neither was the dread Nicky. 'Something must be done,' she thought.
So she struck again. A stealth poo attack like no other. A great big cat turd in the dread Nicky's room.
This time Nicky got angry. Real angry. She chased Matilda around the house. And although Matilda was quick and evaded her giant hands and arms for a while, but eventually she was cornered by the giantess. She found herself wrapped up in a towel and being hauled back to Nicky's room. She was catnapped! Matilda cried for help. But her humans did not come to her rescue fast enough. And Nicky shoved her nose back into her own poo.
Matilda shrieked and struggled and scratched, until she was free from the brute. She had taught the Nicky a lesson, but it had been at a high cost and risk to her own safety. This made the tension in the household palpable.
Then one day, just as they had moved in, her humans took her and the vile black Moonshe to another house. They cited 'irreconcilable differences' with their housemates. A situation Matilda felt that she had contributed to and cunningly engineered.
Their new house had a large rambling garden that stretched on for many paws into the distance. In the backyard there were trees to scratch and climb and birds to hunt. And the front of the house had a great blowfly catching window. Crunch, crunch! Tasty. Best of all, this house had no towering amazonian woman to terrorize her.
(c) Edward Yates 2007
2 comments:
Awesome! Mighty battle maiden defeats Amazonian warrior.
Thoroughly enjoyed that, thanks. What an awesome kitty.
Hi Eleanor,
I'm so glad you enjoyed my little story told from Matilda's point of view!
She is an awesome little cat...and a scrapper, which is unusual for a female cat.
I also realize that this post is a bit of a blogging cardinal sin - writing about your pets, but I thought if I wrote it from our pet's perspective then it might be a bit different.
Ed
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